Yikes . . . I think I’m Controlling!

By James MacDonald

“I think you’re a bit too controlling.”  Even though the words were spoken by a trusted friend, they were not especially hurtful.  I had heard the accusation before and quickly reached for my bag of rationalizations.  For more than 12 years, I have been privileged to pastor a thriving church that my wife and I started in the late 80’s while we were still in our late 20’s.  More than once during that time, church members had spoken to me about “control issues,” as they are called, but I had developed some pretty effective escapes—or so I thought.  Here are three of my best:

You’re Just Jealous

Eighteen months after starting our church, 12 of the original 18 pioneers pulled up and pulled out.  The church was growing quickly and attracting a “charismatic element” that made some of the founders uncomfortable.  They wanted me to quiet the music and “keep the hands down,” lest their visiting friends think we had gone over the edge.  When I refused to compromise my vision for worship, there was a painful confrontation. As they walked away I was devastated, especially by their accusation that I was controlling.  After all, I had worked hard to find common ground and maintain a consensus.  In reality, I learned that I was not the first pastor they had tried to run out of town—and I have not been the last.  It was their way or the highway, I decided, and they were simply ticked off that they hit the pavement instead of me.  In years to come when we as elders would hear control rumblings, I would remind the men, “Only people who desire control resent the ones who have it.  They’re just jealous.”

Do Your Job

As our staff grew from 10 to 20 to 40 and more, I began to learn a lot about management and how to build an effective ministry team.  By far, our experiences with pastors and support staff have been very positive.  I have had the same personal assistant and the same associate pastor for all 12 years of our church’s history.  Most of our other staff members have remained with us through the challenges of growth, facility acquisition, and multiple services, but there have been a few—I guess it’s inevitable—who have been a great disappointment.  Individuals who had to be called to come to work, closely watched while on the job, and relentlessly pursued if anything were to be accomplished.  Of course eventually a staff member like that has to be let go.   But before we came to that painful decision, we tried to manage them through it.  OK, I tried to micro-manage them through it:  “Keep a time log, come and go with surgical precision, and more detail on your goals, please.”  All of this was to no avail.  People who don’t do their jobs resent others who hold them accountable, and they often yell “Control!” over their shoulders as they pack their bags.

Strong Leadership

Only those stubborn pioneers and a few difficult staff members had ever called me controlling, so I felt pretty sure that it wasn’t an issue.  Oh, there were a few other minor skirmishes.  Some Brethren brethren tried to make us brethren and then walked out, refusing to act like brethren when we refused to affiliate.  (I’ve seldom seen the Lord provide breakthrough thinking from people headed for the door.)  And sure, we’ve had the common struggles over philosophy of ministry, church discipline issues, and where and when to build.  I vaguely recall hearing some whispers about control during those times, but I quickly dismissed them.  “You bet I’m strong,” I remember thinking to myself.  “You have to be to keep the ministry going in the right direction every time someone tries to jerk it off the tracks.”  Every prominent ministry I had ever studied had the same whispers in the hallways.  “What leader isn’t strong and direct?” I said to myself, brushing the criticism aside.

I had heard the research that Christian executives generally were more authoritative than their pagan counterparts.  And I was familiar with the studies showing that Christian leaders tend not to seek ideas and input from their subordinates as readily as do unbelieving administrators (see Dan E. Maltby, “Authoritarians at Work,” Christian Management Report, November/December 2000, p. 23-25).  Yet for almost 12 years, I dismissed the accusation of control because the ones who brought the message were not credible in my mind.  None of my elders were saying this.  Our best and most fruitful staff would lay down their lives for me, as I would for them.  The criticism wasn’t coming from hard-working and happy church members.  At least not until the management audit.

A Turning Point

One of the men in our church is a recognized management consultant to Fortune 100 companies, and he began mentoring me in some of the things you never learn in seminary.  Last winter he suggested that we do a management audit of our top 100 staff and lay leaders.  He would gather them in groups of 8-10 and ask them three questions: 1) What are the church’s greatest strengths?  2) What are the church’s greatest weaknesses?  3) What steps, if taken, would most improve the quality of our ministry?  Participants were promised anonymity and access to the full report (with no edits) in a large group forum.

For three months we waited while he did the interviews and wrote his report.  I remember well the day I held the 40-page document in my hands for the first time.  The first section contained actual comments from the participants, grouped according to theme.  The second section offered recommended action steps in providing solutions.  Most of it was exactly as I had expected: ministries need to be better co-ordinated, communication needs to be shored up, more volunteers would relieve some strain, and so on.

But then I came to the section that read “Senior Management Style.”  There before my eyes were criticisms I could not dismiss.  Actual audit statements like, “there’s too much micro-managing going on,”  “more delegation is needed from the top,”  “the executive pastor is empowered to a certain extent, but the senior pastor has ultimate authority.”  Ouch!  And there was more: “when the senior pastor’s energy dies, things die,” and “the bench mark is WWJD—what would James do?”  Ouch!  OUCH!  Sixteen comments in all were directed at me, the elders as a whole, or some portion of our Senior Leadership Team.  The first time I read the report I was completely stunned.  I reached for my bag of rationalizations and carefully tried each one on, but none seemed to fit.  These were not quitters—they were totally committed to our mission and in for the long haul.  They were not harsh critics trying to exact a penalty because their play for power had been thwarted—they were friends who loved me and wanted to see my leadership prosper.  I was busted, and I knew it.

Taking My Lumps

I have always tried to live by my father’s threefold outline for successful pastoring: 1) feed the people; 2) love the people; 3) admit when you are wrong.  Over the years I have seen many a pastor go over the edge by failing at number three, and so I knew that was not an option for me.  I would have to admit publicly that our leadership, and mine in particular, was too controlling.  The report was circulated to each of the 100 leaders who came to a three-hour meeting to discuss its implications for our church.  I was very nervous about their reaction and somewhat fearful that acknowledging my need to grow in this area would give others the excuse they needed to do their own thing.  I was wrong.

I stood in front of the entire group and simply said that I as pastor had held too much authority in the church.  I acknowledged that our executive pastoral staff had also held too much control over the direction of our church.  Yes, from our elders down to every level of staff and ministry leadership, we needed to find ways to empower those under our servant leadership to do the ministry God had called them to.  We defined empowerment as “the capacity to bring one’s gifts, skills, and knowledge to bear on one’s responsibilities without undue checks, balances, and approval levels, resulting in more effectiveness on the job.”

To balance my fears as a reforming controller, we made it clear that we would not be moving to the days of Judges 21:25 where “everyone did what was right in his own eyes.”  The meeting was extremely positive, and the leaders left very enthused.  Many reported an increased sense of security in knowing that the senior leaders were willing to acknowledge where they needed to grow and model that for others.  There was no discernable residue of frustration, and everyone seemed excited to tackle a new season of ministry fruitfulness.
 

In an effort to increase empowerment at every level, we required each staff member to meet one-on-one with three or four close co-workers and discuss several issues with each other: 1) Keep doing these things—they help increase my effectiveness; 2) Do these things more or better; 3) Do these things less, or stop doing them altogether.  These discussions have been well worth the time and effort.  Since then, our staff members have experienced greater openness in their communication and increased authority and freedom in their respective areas of service.

Final Thoughts

I could write more about the steps we have taken to increase empowerment at every level of our ministry, but of course the real issue was change in my own heart.  If I did not release greater amounts of authority to those under me, it was futile to think that they would change, and I knew it.  As I reflected upon the lessons I was learning, I formed several conclusions:

1. Many of the people who accuse leaders of being controlling are doing so for less-than-honorable reasons, and an effective leader does need to “consider the source.”
   
   
2. When mature people are given an opportunity to give feedback, they will do so in a loving way that helps the leader grow.
   
   
3. Church planting is different than church leading.  In the early days, my way was literally the only way.  Later as some leaders gathered, my way was still most often the best way. More recently, however, my way is only one of the ways and many times is not the best way.  As more capable leaders gather and grow, making that transition in thinking is crucial to empowering others in a developing ministry.
   
   
4. Proximity promotes control.  In order to release and empower others, I have found it necessary to withdraw from certain areas.  Being there makes it nearly impossible to withhold my strength and persuasion.  Steering clear is the easiest way to limit my tendency to control.
   
   For example, our adult ministry team has spent the last few months evaluating and overhauling our method of assimilation.  As a result, we are abandoning several processes that we have used for many years, but that are no longer meeting the needs of our growing church.  It has been very rewarding to watch our team succeed in these new ventures, and I know that they were encouraged when I approved the final plan with no adjustments.  I truly believe that the outcome is better than if I had been directly involved.  The key becomes knowing when to step in and when to stay out, and I’m still growing in my ability to make this call.
   
   
5. Though it is not in my nature to injure others through control, the “security” benefits of controlling others often makes that my default position. It’s not my heart, but it happens under pressure if I do not intentionally pursue a different course of action.
   
   
6. Attitudes are patterns of thinking formed over a long period of time, and they don’t change overnight.  I am working hard on the matter of control, but victory comes in increments that include occasional relapses and the need to apologize.  How thankful I am for a gracious team of ministry partners who see their own weaknesses and let me grow, even as I seek to let them do the same.  (For more on our “attitudes” and how they affect others, check out www.WalkintheWord.com.)

As you can see, I am still very much in process in this matter of control.  I have been greatly encouraged by the immediate positive response from others who observe our efforts to grow and change in this area.  I can tell you for a fact that I did not want to surface this struggle for everyone to read, but I have been praying that the Lord would use it to encourage you.  At first I was concerned that some might use what I have written against me, and I hesitated to submit the article.  But then I remembered that people are gonna do what people are gonna do—and I can’t control that.